Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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