So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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