i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
