I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
