My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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