so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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