i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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