About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
