somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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