the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
