he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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