How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
