you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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