I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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