if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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