The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
