I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
