I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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