I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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