So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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