How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
