I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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