I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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