What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
