I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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