i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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