ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
