I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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