just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
