rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
