you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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