We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
