waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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