i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
