I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
