I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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