I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
