I just pynch a tree in the face
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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