those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
