Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
