Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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