Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
