i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
