READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
