Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
