come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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