I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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