so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
