My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
