can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
please don't ironically join a cult
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